Pacific Grove, California (PNN)– As shifting weather patterns threaten to push more oil towards the shores of Mississippi, Alabama and Florida, efforts to cease the irresponsibly shed oil have become increasingly more desperate. It would almost seem as though BP has exhausted every practical idea conjured within its creative think tank–each as unsuccessful as the next. After the failure of the Diamond Saw (only cutting midway through the pipe before getting stuck), they’ve begun to backtrack to previous  stratagem (giant sheers). Which, while producing a deeper incision in the pipeline, still provided equally useless results.

A recent press conference with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, shows the chief executive grievously crying out for the assistance of an unassuming California  resident, Arthur Curry…or as most of us would recognize him, Aquaman.

PNN reporter, Hanjay Pupta, had the opportunity to speak with Arthur; who seemed to have taken severe personal offense to Haywards cry for help, calling it “deplorable and insincere.” When asked by Pupta why he was so put off by Haywards plea, Curry (with arms raised) fiercely exclaimed “How was I not the first option? I’M F*CKING AQUAMAN!”

Curry, now a resident of Pacific Grove, California maintains a humble lifestyle free of crime fighting and high-tide heroics. He works  as the curator for the Monterey Bay Aquarium and is currently in the midst of a custody battle with his ex-wife, Princess Ariel (of Little Mermaid fame). Still a friend of the ocean, he lends his free time finding homes for wayward hermit crabs and teaching  father & son topography classes to clownfish.

Overwhelmed with obvious bitterness, Curry continued to offer his thoughts regarding contempt, his part in the spillage relief and BP’s CEO.

” This isnt the first time I’ve felt my contribution to heroism was neglected and undermined. I had to deal with the same sh*t in the Hall of Justice all the time.  I was always asked to organize the beach trips, but whenever there was a battle of reasonable significance, I would hear Martian Manhunter whisper to The Flash ‘Pssst….hey, lets not invite the dolphin whisperer!’ …what kinda highschool mean-girl sh*t is that!? I can breath in two places; water AND earth! Plus talk to starfish…that sh*t is useful got damnit! ”

Pupta reached over to offer the Aquatic all-star a hug, and continued to listen while Curry buried him in emotionally dense lamentation.

“Im just *sniffles* tired of being taken for granted.” He told Hanjay.

“For years and years, I’ve selflessly put my body in harms way for the benefit of the public, to receive not even so much as a thank  you….from anybody!?”

“I was once told, years ago, that in the thread of [DC] Comic-Hero movies, that Aquaman would be next for production. That news felt great (see image here)! Well,  the years pass, and  I haven’t heard anything about my movie yet…but now I find  out there’s a Jonah Hex movie! What? He’s a dead cowboy with half a face, big snorkin’ deal! I CAN BREATH IN TWO PLACES! “

Pupta explained to Arthur that Haywards opportunity may provide a dignified revival to the name Aquaman. To which he replied,

“Hayward and British Petrolium are absolute bullsh*t! If they were really concerned with fixing the problem, they would’ve sought me out first.  I couldve called up a couple sea anemone and had the problem solved ASAP! Instead, I became a last ditch effort after  tire shreds, golf balls and shaved camel butt! I flatly refuse! F*ck you Tony Hayward, and f*ck your oil spill!”

Curry told Pupta that while he still cares a great deal for his ocean dwelling comrade and dry-land supporters, he feels that staying away from this problem would be the best thing for his integrity. After a final handshake, Arthur grabbed his sting ray and dove back into the above-ground pool in his California home, adding “Hey, Tony, you want your problem solved? Why dont you go call Jonah Hex. Oh, and by the way…tell Batman to suck it!”

New York, New York  (PNN)- For those of us that grew up in the last era of exemplary television programming, we still hold with us the lessons of family togetherness that were once taught. Values enforced by families like, The Winslow’s,  The Tanner’s (Alf’s family, not Uncle Joey and ‘nem), and The Russo’s…but no family showed us what it meant to be a loving, cohesive unit more so than The Turtles. The Ninja Turtles. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

But is what we saw the reality for the anomalous family that resides in the sublevels of New York City? PNN did some investigating, and what we found may shock you.

Four brothers, one daddy,  and a cozy studio apartment in the sewers of the city.  We watched on screen as they gathered around the table for pizza, thwarted city attacks from numerous villains, and engaged in everyday ninja’ing, all while maintaining  a Brady-like presence. Unfortunately, what we failed to see, was a house divided. Divided by lies, betrayel, and deceit. Ohhh, the deceit! Well,  maybe not deceit…but definitely feelings of reprobation. Ohhh, the feelings of reprobation!

As the opening theme suggests, Michelangelo is best known for being the ” party dude.”  Just a regular dude who likes to party. But, was that enough to condemn him? To shun him? Perhaps not…but what we discovered served as just the explanation the world has been missing!

Michelangelo “Mikey” Turtle was actually not born unto the same parents as the other  ninja brethren. He was born Zachery Trent Bradford, of Laguna Hills, California. The son of a twelve time Billabong wetsuit model champion, who was in New York doing a shoot for their new winter underwear line. Our sources say that Splinter cold jacked Mikey from his fishbowl out of necessity. Stating that  “ The rodent was frustrated. Having four sets of weapons and only three turtles. He needed someone to give the numchucks to!” PNN attempted to speak with Splinter, but he strongly refused…and later double roundhouse-tail whipped one of our reporters. After biting her.

We did, however, get the priviledge to speak with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  (now in their mid-thirties) and find out how and why this affected their relationship so negatively.

PNN reporter Paj Hajenson spoke first with a fiery Raphael (sporting a tattered ”I heart NY” sweatshirt)  who had this to say,

Yo, the nigga was frontin’, gawd!  I been knew it. He aint no real New York dude, but niggas aint tryna hear me, nahmsayn!? I remember this one time, nahmsayn, we beat the f*ck outta Krang and ‘nem, and we was wild hype…Michelangelo gon jump up and say, ‘COWABUNGA!’ Cowabunga?  What the f*ck kind of whiteboy sh*t is cowabunga, nahmsayn? Then, I go to muhfuggin Gino’s for a slice, nahmsayn, and Bebop and Rocksteady gon come up to me like, ‘Son? Whats up with your boy, yo? We saw that nigga rollerblading down the street, with a boombox blasting Sublime and sh*t.’  Im like, c’mon gawd! Then, I’m trying to tell the nigga how good the Biggie movie was, nahmsayn, and he gon look at me and say ‘No way brah, they totally shoulda made a Tupac movie instead.’ Getdafukkouttaheah, nahmsayn! Look, son aint all that bad…but I cant f*cks with him no more, he just aint no real ninja.

Longtime brother, bff and confidant, Donatello, told us this:

I’ve noticed atypical behavior patterns in Mikey early on. He would always ask for vegan pizza, sprinkled with avacado shavings and served with pico de gallo dipping sauce. Constantly, in the hindermost portion of battles with Shredder,  Mikey would persist in efforts to persuade him to recycle his costume. Announcing joyously, “Its good to be green!” Furthermore, I think it was most awkward that, while the rest of the turtles and I were entangled in the acquisition of April O’neals panty-draws, Michelangelo was coercing her to openly admit her love for her lady-pal, Irma.  ’Support the scissor!’ he would always say, ‘support the scissor.’ Regardless of what any documentation says, he’s still my deoxyribonucleic counter-part…but, I just don’t think NY is the place for him. He would be much better off with those of his like.

Hajenson attempted to speak with Leonardo, but could not do so, as Rapheal continually interrupted Leo, shouting, “Shut yo’ b*tch a** up!”

Lastly, we got word from Zachery Trent Bradford aka Michelango:

Dude. Mooooondo bummer. Like, my whole life brah…total flake. I so didnt ask fer this. It was just, like, this one day, this glowing green jizz was all over my face…and whammo brah! Im like, some sorta freaky giant turtle thing…and this rat gives me a pair of numchuks. So, I was like, Chyah! Whirrrrly whirrrrly! I ninja’d for a little while, but it was way lamo! Total sad face. I just wanted to play ‘Chilli Peppers cover songs…hopefully get sponsored by Hurley or Body Glove…git my own band, y’know? My bro’s totally dont get me. Never have. Anyway, brah…gotta toke.

“Mondo Bummer.”  Mondo bummer indeed. We lost Mikey to a cloud of smoke before we could ask what lay in store for him. But we can only hope the best. For no son should be without his father, nor a turtle without his brothers.

Broakland, USA (PNN)– The europeans have once again outdone themselves. This time, revolutionizing the cell phone industry with their invention of what our reporters are calling the “G-Phone.” The G is for gun. Because there’s a gun in it! On its surface, it bears all the expecting qualities of any other mobile device: a red power button, some numbers, and a digital screen with unchanging time and date display.  But hidden beneath lies a magical  .22-caliber pistol, capable of firing four rounds in quick succession with a touch of an otherwise standard keypad.

While this may be optimal for people like Danger Mouse , Secret Squirrel or, perhaps even rappers with immensely demanding schedules (having little time to balance both catching bodies and calling mom), we here at PNN ask …what does this mean for  everyday Gphone users?

Well, reports say that its battery life is hardly sufficient. Causing a tremendous uprise of niggas charging their phones in public places. Fast food chains, movie theaters and Wal-Marts are outraged. Stating that their power outlets are for functional use of the establishment, not to provide a life-support hub for this trending mobile apparatus. This may be due to parking lot shoot-outs being haulted mid-action, leaving the outside assailants to find the nearest location to recharge.

While some businesses are complaining, local libraries are loving the attention they’re receiving from Gphone users. Resident Broakland librarian says, “I’m overcome with joy! We’ve been trying to get niggas in here for years! We don’t mind if they use our outlets at all…hopefully they’ll pick up a book  while their phone is charging!”

However, it seems that only librarians may be singing the praises of the coupled communication/hand-cannon device. Gangbangers of countless cliques, crews and sets are all joining hands to voice their grievances. Blaming several botched drive-by attempts on inattentive Gphone users. Claiming that the shooter and/or driver is often times too busy trying to download ringtones and twitter applications, and not keeping their eyes on the road!

Distractions seem to be common in the hands of its users. Just last week, it was reported that a teen-age girl fell into an open man-hole while trying to walk and load the rounds at the same time.

Aside from inadequate battery life, and other deplorable features, the Gphone network has poor cellular coverage. We spoke to user, Ty-Kwan “Meatfeet”  Doe, who told us this,

“Yo, s**t is mad weak, son! I was trying to rob this m****rf****r for twenty dollars and s**t, and this m****r f****r gon run in the woods and s**t!  So, a nigga like me is straight dumpin’ rounds when *click, click* I’m like ‘awwww s**t! I aint got no m****rf****n’ service out here!?’ Aint that a B***H!!!”

So, how exactly does this “Gun Phone” work? Well, Our media partners over at You-Tube provided us with this instructional video.

With all the negative hype surrounding Europes Gphone, why does it seem to be so popular amongst the younger and urban communities? The answer is simple. No contract phone plans. With a low cost, pay as you shoot phone rate, the Gphone is virtually accessable to anybody!

Representatives at AP&P dont seem to be worried tho. They say as long as they have the most bars around the country, and a phone with a compass…people will be more than delighted to pay their exceedingly high rates.

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- Paji Appleseed.