Nigger Lipping (nig-er-lip-in) verb.- When you leave saliva on something being smoked. Cigarettes, weed, even a crack pipe.

*definition provided by Urban Dictionary.

Have you ever heard this term before? You have? You’re probably white aren’t you?  You sonnovabitch! ? I have no idea how this, beyond reprehensible epithet, has managed to escape being yet another entry into my scrapbook of Dick Dastardly-A**-Derogatory Things That White People Say. Funny thing is, immediately after I thought about that, I had to step back and think, “Wait, am I more upset at the word itself…or the fact that I’ve never heard it before?” Luckily, I was equally offended. *whew* If I was only upset at my  unawareness of the term,  I’d be a real insensitive, “Please massah, let meh put some mo’ sugah in yo’ lemonade, suh” Uncle Tom type brotha. I mean,  having spent my last ten years living in the south, I was under the cemented belief that I had incurred every colorful and creative way to disrespect black people imaginable. It’s sort of like a badge of valor.

The very first time I heard “Nigger Lipping” was about two years ago, when it had mistakenly exited the mouth of a co-workers boyfriend (a mistake I’ve decided to henceforth coin, Honky Talkin’). I didn’t think so much of the implications of the word at the time because I was overwhelmed by 1.) the overall hilarity of it and 2.) the barrage of “Oh, he totally didn’t mean it like that” apologies I received from the circle of white people I was immersed in.  It wasn’t until today that I was told by a different co-worker what the word actually meant. To which she grievously followed, ” I know people who say that all the time.”

Damn. Word?

Yep, apparently Nigger Lipping is “No big deal bro. Its just weed slang.” Then I was told, by someone else,  that I “just dont get it because [I'm] not a smoker.” Maaaan, please! Wash my balls with that! Ordinarily, I don’t get upset at things that most would consider racially degrading because I’m overbearingly ethnocentric, and absurdly proud of of who I am/ where I’ve come from. But, good grief, yo! I’m just finding out today that it’s the colloquial equivalent of  ”blow job.” Get a grip! I mean, the obvious taboo aside, the entire word is six paces more insulting than a McDonalds commercial  featuring the “Pants on the Ground” guy singing about double fried McNigga Wings with Watermelon sauce, during the presentation of The Aunt Jemima Award on a BET picaninny pageant.

On the reals, I know my lips ain’t the smallest soup coolers in the world…but to imply that, as an entire race of people, they’re so distinctly grotesque that there could be no other explicable justification for the superfluous dampening of  your smoking apparatus…well, that just makes you a dick. Dick.

Okay hiphop, I firmly believe its high time you get a grip! You’ve played me out for way too long now, and the shet stops here. Yeah, right here. Stop it! When you denied my first European tour, I understood. That whole iniquitous ordeal with unnamed label, I let it slide….even when I lost that emcee competition that everybody in the audience knew I won…sure,I threw a fit, maybe even fought a little bit….but Im over it! And now this? This, hip hop? You just gon do this to me!!?!?!

My entire life I suffered insurmountable ridicule for my personal choices of whom I chose to hang with and activities in which I’ve engaged. And now this cornball nigga just gon throw a couple of Brian’s and Becky’s in a video, horribly conjure a song about his discrepantly colored comrades and all of a sudden its okay! Give me a freakin break! First of all, them niggas at the beginning of the video would not let him off the hook so easy. How do I know? Because I used to get the BUSINESS from my boys when I didnt go to a black college and made my first white friend. I used to skate as a kid, but when I moved to a new highschool I thought I had to quit cause my posse was buggin on me like, “thats some white boy sh*t!” When Pure Playaz and Fubu was the hype gear, and I was rockin Polo Bears, my niggas was like “thats some white boy sh*t.” I used to go see bands play and thump Portishead in my ride…“thats some white boy sh*t.” But it wasn’t me trying to be anything other than a proud African American…it was me being me, son! Get a grip, yo! Black boy Swag/ White boy tags, I been on that. Young Dro and LA got a song called “Actin White” and thats acceptable? Nigga please!

Y’all aint lived that life…yall fakin the funk. Yall dont be in the sorority parties like me! Get off my P-ness! I BEEN did what yall just starting to do. Ive included pictures of me hanging out with white people as proof

NEED MORE PROOF???? I even took a minute to interview some of my white friends. Lets see what they have to say….

Name- Pat B (partner in crime,white people interpreter,neighbor,promoter,road dog.) aka Irish Pat aka Project Piddat aka “Mick” of Mick and Marley aka “He Cool” aka That Guy aka Neighborhoodlum

Occupation: Prep cook, student, entrepreneur

How long we been friends? 7-8 years

What Kind of White person are you? i listen to and appreciate hip hop and rap. but dont count myself cool enough to drop the n-bomb and cornrow my hair. i dont wear flipflops. hate the beach. hippies are stupid. that kind of white guy.

Things you enjoy? sneakers, new gear, capitalism, partying, booze, travel, history. typical honky pursuits.

Tell ‘em bout that one time we hung out: I have a large, explicit and debaucherized collection of haji p stories written down in ye olde book of drunkery. My favorite and oft most retold revolves around a favorite shall we say “asian” acquaintance of ours, stolen lawn furniture, deer in the road, P’s honda, and an unsuspecting roommate. (i know his government name, true sign of a friend. cant be revealed under penalty of death.)

**********************************

Name: D Marks

Occupation: Look, I work in Administration, that’s all you need to know.

How did we meet? Well let me take this whole thing back in three stages. Stage one, D Marks knew of Haji P while attending UNCW because said gentleman walked around campus with a backpack blaring hip-hop. Never said anything to him, but always walked behind him because I liked the music coming out of his backpack. Stage two, D Marks got to know Haji P because said gentleman worked with D Marks in Administration. We always talked about when we were going to be friends. Stage three, we finally became friends but unfortunately it was after Haji P decided to move out of Wilmington.

Type of White Person: My mom’s Catholic and my father’s Jewish, yet people automatically assume that I am Jewish, I wear Polo Ralph Lauren clothes, typically wear khakis with a fish belt, either wearing Clark’s Wallabee’s or Sperry Deck shoes, sunglasses around my neck held by some Croakies, yes, I am a part of one of the whitest fraternities Sigma Nu, I enjoy a nice Will Ferrell movie from time to time with a side of Will Smith as well, listen to Dave Matthews Band (but more importantly listen to the greatest man alive (or dead depending on what type of hater you are) – Tupac), drive a Mazda 3, and also, I enjoy watching and playing soccer…I think that should give you a good idea, however, I’m not as white as the name Greyson, hahahahahahhaaha.

Things you Enjoy: Well I hit on a few of these things in the previous response but to add to it…I love a good suit and a nice pair of slacks, I have an iPhone which I enjoy, I cannot get enough PTs (it’s a Wilmington burger joint-thing), I love using words like “furthermore,” “copesthetic,” “ad nauseum,” “said,” (when referring to someone just mentioned), love the show Office, Heroes, Mad Men, and Top Chef, I have an even whiter girlfriend who, although is not in a sorority, could possibly be in one, enjoy eating sushi and reading…

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Name : Nicole “Air Max” Maxwell

Occupation: Advertising & Marketing Account Exec./ Bad assss Bartender

How do I know you: We met at the radio station solely based upon your shoes, I then introduced myself and demanded we be best friends….our relationship after that point consisted of; a lot of talk of Nikes, Rap, Jack Daniels, The Color Purple, Coming to America, and we experienced the movie Superbad for the first time together. haa….we continue to only speak of those various topics throughout the remainder of our relationship.

What Kind of White person are you? I am an all around awesome white person of course. I’m just your average white chic bumpin’ Wu Tang,Tribe, and Paramore in a jeep…

Things you enjoy? The beach, live shows, all activities that can be done in the ocean, performing, Nikes, hoodies, & sweatpants, chocolate milk usually paired with an extra cheesy grilled cheese sandwich, traveling everywhere, painting, music, and being in two places at once.

**********************************************

Name: Keith Howard

Occupation: The Fold Clothing Owner/CEO

I met Haji P about 8 years ago. We met in a class we both had at UNCW and I was giving a presentation on hip hop and later he gave me a bad critique on my presentation because I left out cannibal ox. We later became close as promotion assistants at Cumulus Broadcasting with a focus at Coast 97.3.

What kind of white person are you? I am “on some super classic americana good ol’ boy x urban ambassdor vituoso ish.”

What type of stuff do you like? I enjoy banjos, pop art, american manufactured textiles, conscious rap, ignorant rap/drug dealer rap, architecture, pea coats, nike air max, penny/driving loafers, red wing boots, brooks brothers, sear sucker, porche, mont blanc pens, moleskin paper, cuisinart, apple, farming, the history channel

Tell ‘em bout that one time we hung out: I Watched Haji bring out the monster at DJ Battles birthday party. *referring to the first time I got drunk.

*************************************************

Name: Francie

Occupation: TV Media Account Executive
Describe our relationship: i would say we have a very love hate relationship and somewhere along the way we have become pretty good friend
Things you enjoy: dancing, shopping, going to the movies, painting, being creative, traveling, and trying new things
Tell ‘em bout that one time: you and gregg almost killing one another, you almost busted a beer bottle over a guys head on new years at firebelly, when i got in a fight with kate b at velvet, when we figured out our roommates (Kel and Chris) were both dating the same girl…….basically any story involving a crazy person

Take that, fake cracka-rappers!

-p*

Aight,  so Im  reading through various news stories on CNN’s website when I come across a headline that reads, “Rihanna is ‘Rated R’ for new album cover.” Automatically Im thinking, “Word! Rihanna boob!“ So naturally, as any inquisitive young male would, I hurried to click the appropriate link.  What followed was a not-so-rated R cover, and a story on her new single. No boob.  Boooring!

I didnt think much of it, but apparently, other  readers did. They hella did! I was only a slight miffed about the lack of mammary, these mofo’s was hatin’ her life! Thus bringing me to my “Tuesday Ten List.”  There were roughly a billion or so comments. These were my favorite:

1. Cat: No wonder she hangs out with men who beat her up. Based on that picture she has obviously very low self esteem.

*This was the first comment, it pretty much sparked off this jammy! Good job, cat!

2. Be the Change: Actually I would say she has a lot of self esteem. I for one, would not have the guts to pose like that.
You go girl!

my favorite part was the “you go girl!”

3. Annoyed: I would bet that most of the people who think the photo is nice are likely immature, ghetto trash who lack any moral guidance in their lives. And please spare us the tired ebonic cliches, (e.g. “Don’t hate”, “You go girl.”)

haha, take that, “Be the Change!”

4. Dianne: Seriously? “No wonder she hangs out with men who beat her up”…Seriously?! You’re going to walk down that road? Based on a picture? Uh….Judgemental much, cat??

I think “Dianne” is really “Six” from Blossom.

5. Andrew: Damn she looks hot. Wonder if that barbed wire hurts…or feels good in a Chris Brown kinda way

ZING!

6. Disappointed: I am appalled to see the album cover of Rihanna’s latest CD after the ordeal she went through with Chris Brown. Why would she feel she would have to represent herself in such a degrading manner? She should feel confident that her voice could sell many albums. The cover is very unprofessional! I thought Rihanna would have had more class. Shame, shame, shame on her for her inability to portray herself as a classy entertainer.

Its the “shame, shame, shame” that really gets ya.

7. Dan R: Shes hot. But she’s no Esther Rolle.

8. Shirl: Budity sells, but where is the SELF RESPECT?

Im pretty sure she meant to say “nudity,” but “budity” is waaay more funny, haha! Way to go Shirl!”

9. Alex Winter: Getting wrapped in barbed wire hurts like hell. Dat girl be craaaazy! 

I hope this is the Alex Winter from “Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure.”

10. Cornelius: … We display Jesus in on the bloody mess he was in when he died on the cross, but cat stand it when we watch how he got that way in Passion of the Christ. Let me take a trip to the Guggenheim and see naked photos and torture, but this we just decry…wow… just goes to show cant please everyone all the time.

whoa.

If this is what happens when you pose half bude, with barbed wire on your skin-milkers for an album…Im doin’ it!

for original story, and more commentary, go here.

Aight, so peep..

I goes to the post office earlier today, just a few minutes ago to be exact. Returning to the computer on my office desk, sans delay, with the intent of releasing this two pounds of pressure offa my exiguously bearded chest.

I was mailing off an episode of locally produced talk show, Teen Talk, to the birther of my birth. Why? It was an episode in which I was being interviewed, and moms demanded that she see it. She loves to brag about her son, and I loved to be bragged about…thats called synergy. Anyhow, it was only a single DVD packaged in a slim jewel case, which I then put in a padded envelope for mailing.

I waited a good twenty seven minutes in line before I was called to the counter by a lady named, (*sucks teeth, rolls eyes*) …Stank A** Jeanne. Ugh.

Stank A** Jeanne (*sucks teeth, rolls eyes*) was an elderly white lady, of about 2,305,022 years old. Rocking the same haircut as Sisco in “The Thong Song” video, and the style of bifocals you would imagine a woman who knitted oven mitts for cats would wear. To her credit tho, she was a pretty foxy old lady. If she wasnt such a dick, we could’ve been friends…or maybe even dated.

I inquired which method of shipment would allow the parcel to reach moms crib at the most expedient rate. She then asked what was I mailing. I didnt feel the need to be specific, so I responded , ” Its just a CD.” To which she replied, “…figures.”

“Figures?”

B*TCH, WHAT THE UFCK YOU MEAN, “FIGURES!??!?!”

I kept it cool tho. Feeling the need to defend myself, I politely said, “Oh, silly me. Its not actually an audio CD, containing the syncopation of rythm and words that is most often the music synonymous with the urban youth of African America…it’s merely a DVD for my mother!”

Stank A** Jeanne just gon’ look at me and smile. Sort of. It was more of a smirk. One of those, “How adooorable, where did you learn to put together sentences like that?” type of smirks.

*sucks teeth, rolls eyes.*

Ugh. Then, Stank A** Jeanne concludes the transaction, hands me the receipt of purchase and says…

“Im sure your mother will love your rap video!”

GOT DAMNIT, STANK A** JEANNE!

*sucks teeth, rolls eyes*

…aint that a bee?

The illy thing is…I am a rapper.  Any other time, I probably wouldve been sending CD’s. Ha!