aquaman says no!

Posted by hajipaji


Pacific Grove, California (PNN)– As shifting weather patterns threaten to push more oil towards the shores of Mississippi, Alabama and Florida, efforts to cease the irresponsibly shed oil have become increasingly more desperate. It would almost seem as though BP has exhausted every practical idea conjured within its creative think tank–each as unsuccessful as the next. After the failure of the Diamond Saw (only cutting midway through the pipe before getting stuck), they’ve begun to backtrack to previous  stratagem (giant sheers). Which, while producing a deeper incision in the pipeline, still provided equally useless results.

A recent press conference with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, shows the chief executive grievously crying out for the assistance of an unassuming California  resident, Arthur Curry…or as most of us would recognize him, Aquaman.

PNN reporter, Hanjay Pupta, had the opportunity to speak with Arthur; who seemed to have taken severe personal offense to Haywards cry for help, calling it “deplorable and insincere.” When asked by Pupta why he was so put off by Haywards plea, Curry (with arms raised) fiercely exclaimed “How was I not the first option? I’M F*CKING AQUAMAN!”

Curry, now a resident of Pacific Grove, California maintains a humble lifestyle free of crime fighting and high-tide heroics. He works  as the curator for the Monterey Bay Aquarium and is currently in the midst of a custody battle with his ex-wife, Princess Ariel (of Little Mermaid fame). Still a friend of the ocean, he lends his free time finding homes for wayward hermit crabs and teaching  father & son topography classes to clownfish.

Overwhelmed with obvious bitterness, Curry continued to offer his thoughts regarding contempt, his part in the spillage relief and BP’s CEO.

” This isnt the first time I’ve felt my contribution to heroism was neglected and undermined. I had to deal with the same sh*t in the Hall of Justice all the time.  I was always asked to organize the beach trips, but whenever there was a battle of reasonable significance, I would hear Martian Manhunter whisper to The Flash ‘Pssst….hey, lets not invite the dolphin whisperer!’ …what kinda highschool mean-girl sh*t is that!? I can breath in two places; water AND earth! Plus talk to starfish…that sh*t is useful got damnit!

Pupta reached over to offer the Aquatic all-star a hug, and continued to listen while Curry buried him in emotionally dense lamentation.

“Im just *sniffles* tired of being taken for granted.” He told Hanjay.

“For years and years, I’ve selflessly put my body in harms way for the benefit of the public, to receive not even so much as a thank  you….from anybody!?”

“I was once told, years ago, that in the thread of [DC] Comic-Hero movies, that Aquaman would be next for production. That news felt great (see image here)! Well,  the years pass, and  I haven’t heard anything about my movie yet…but now I find  out there’s a Jonah Hex movie! What? He’s a dead cowboy with half a face, big snorkin’ deal! I CAN BREATH IN TWO PLACES! “

Pupta explained to Arthur that Haywards opportunity may provide a dignified revival to the name Aquaman. To which he replied,

“Hayward and British Petrolium are absolute bullsh*t! If they were really concerned with fixing the problem, they would’ve sought me out first.  I couldve called up a couple sea anemone and had the problem solved ASAP! Instead, I became a last ditch effort after  tire shreds, golf balls and shaved camel butt! I flatly refuse! F*ck you Tony Hayward, and f*ck your oil spill!”

Curry told Pupta that while he still cares a great deal for his ocean dwelling comrade and dry-land supporters, he feels that staying away from this problem would be the best thing for his integrity. After a final handshake, Arthur grabbed his sting ray and dove back into the above-ground pool in his California home, adding “Hey, Tony, you want your problem solved? Why dont you go call Jonah Hex. Oh, and by the way…tell Batman to suck it!”

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