the hobo hump.

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Fun fact: Haji P loves the homeless.

Its true. I Love ’em. A lot.

I like to make up stories about their lives.. It makes me happy. If it was at all possible, I’d sit them all in a circle and have a story time, so I could tell them of the tales Ive concocted. Unfortunately, them niggas aint all as loveable and jubilant as Id like to believe…

My favorite one in the world was this ultra dusty mofo, Byron, a bum from back home. Son was the illest! He was homeless as hell, yo! His panhandling game was top-motherfreakin-notch! He could hit up everybody that lived in NC for quarters before the end credits of the Cosby Show. All joking aside,  Byron was the “No Change Ninja”, he would be in and out your pockets before you could smell the piss on his breath. You gotta respect that kind of talent.

I remember one time I was doing a show at this venue downtown. I gave son $10 and a white tee. On the t-shirt I wrote: “Brown Co. Tonight. Soapbox. Bring a friend, tell’em Byron sent you!” On the back of the shirt, I drew a happy little brown boy with a balloon.

As expected, there were hella people at the show that came off the strength of Byrons aggressively sloshed advertising. Quite possibly one of the proudest moments of my life, son! Im not really sure if it was inhumane or not…whatever…it was!

Anyhow, all of that has very little to do with the general purpose of my writing this. Sorry.

Throughout my life, I’ve imagined the homeless in a wide formation of daily scenarios.

I.E. playing soccer, chasing rabbits, being superheros, baking cookies, etc…

But never, EVER, have I ever…NOT ONCE imagined humpin in the homeless community!!! It absolutely blows my mind!

Everyday on my way to work, I walk across this bridge that overpasses a body of murky water, syringes, and probably a couple of billy goats…who knows. In the daytime, it’s actually a fairly charming view. But when the sun goes down, its definitely the hobo hang out spot. You’ll freak around and get your snack cakes jacked kicking it after dark.

Well, Im walking, per usual, when I cross the bridge and looked down over it. I kid you not, I spotted a 40 bottle, a pair of dirty pink jeans, and what I think was a condom wrapper all huddled together. So Im like, “Oh snap, son! These niggas been knockin boots!” but then I stopped for a second…and I was like, “Ewwww, son! These niggas been knockin boots!”

Do you know how nasty muddy love makin can get? That has to be the MOST no holds barred sport in the motherfreakin world! I’m not talking about, “currently going through hard times homeless hookin up,” Im talking, ” dusty nut-butter,  banging in a piano box, career type homeless, monkey hump!”

Blech! Haha! Like, is there any degree of civility involved? Is it dignified? Is there a mating call? Who initiates the hump? WHERE IS THE FIRST DATE?!?!

Im fairly certain that my brain should be centered around more intelligible subject matter…but as far as Im concerned, homeless humping is some profound sh*t!

You cant tell me its not! I refuse to believe it. When you got nothing to lose…anything goes! I’ll spare you the more repulsing thoughts, but just for fun….here are some of the postitions I came up with:

Crab Walkin’

The Tuna Scoop

Dirt Diggler

Dippin in the Dust Bunny.

Ham ’n Leggs.

Think about it…They probably do it better than you!

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